give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.