If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you