My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
Saturday
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.