I can easily control the weather.
– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
Just did a big green poo by a canal
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this
gender is a sprctrum
