instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
dril cadence
this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
Is this anything
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:
Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.
Man to the left of me: Please don’t.