HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.