Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me