Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.