I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
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My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]