When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.