Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.