I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.