“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence