Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?