In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??