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What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?