My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.