Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon