My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?