I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do