INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
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I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked