Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
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I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
*exercises sarcastically*
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut