I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.