Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
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College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.