I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.