Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
forgive me baja for i have blast