when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.