Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur