boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?