I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.