The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Goat cheese is for herders.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster