Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk