Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
A fake ID that makes you younger
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers