Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
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Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
me after eating Cheetos
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it