Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.


To do list:nn1) Kill the fly in my room. nn2) Try to snort multivitamins.nn3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.nn4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.


I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.


Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”


How do you know you’re allergic to cats if you don’t even eat them?


“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”


Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..


Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?nnCos I think I just ran over a cyclist.


Watching Mickey’s Clubhouse with my 4yo and even he’s asking why the hell would a duck like Donald need a life jacket.