It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
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Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Name this drama.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.