Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
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yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
It’s the weekend y’all
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit