Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
Blocked: 1985
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
Story time
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
