gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing