Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
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I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Lmfaoooooo
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something