Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand