i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
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My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
it’s finally my moment to shine
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.