DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle