A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?