Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”