Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.