Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.