lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too