“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.