I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.