Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
Printer ink is expensive
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work